You can call me….

Blogging has been an introspective experience in some ways for me. I started blogging on a whim, never expecting to still be writing a year later – and not knowing or understanding how the experience would effect me. I created a cyber personality – and called myself Sal. While I wanted to protect my privacy from others out in the universe who might harbor a grudge against me, I have hid behind my anonymous status in some ways. While claiming to be transparent in so many things, as Sal I could pull out the best of me and forget about the hard and dirty stuff that I battle every day. And I’m not talking about diapers or dog doo.

Why Sal? It’s a nickname I used in my previous business life. Also one of the many names people mistake your name for when you have a name like mine…they typically call you Sherry, Sally, Shirley or something of that sort.

I’ve decided to peek out of the closet today. After much prayer and evaluation, being Sal is truly holding me back more than propelling me forward. The one thing that clinched it was a comment from an online acquaintance. I emailed her something and signed my real name – as I often had in email correspondences we had had. Since it had been some time since we “talked”, she admitted that it threw her off when I did sign it …it almost seemed weird to her. I feel that others are missing out by me being Sal. I am too.

No, I don’t walk around the house saying, “I told that darn Sal to vacuum the carpets and just look at them!” “That Sal can’t cook worth a darn!” But there is an ambiance about sitting down at the computer as Sal. I don’t want to put on layers when I write. I want to shed them. This blog is about me and not about someone else. So I’m going to stand at the front of it.

Will one of my former grudges find me in all this? Maybe. But fear cannot drive me in this instance. I fear no man, only God. Well, that’s my goal anyway.

Only my name will change. The web address will remain the same. My family will retain their anonymous status as a privacy courtesy to them. I may continue to use “Sal” in ways…i.e. the Sal Household…or something of that nature. I’m not sure what will transpire after this change. But I know it’s a must for me.

 

Do Not Ask This Woman to Decorate Your House

I am the world’s worst outside Christmas decorator.

We have a dilemma in our house. Neither of us like to do the outside of the house. We like it nice and Christmasy with lights and all, but Gil doesn’t like to do it and I physically struggle with doing it. I’ve always been kind of a clutz. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that physical/coordination type assignments don’t work well for me. That’s why I have a hard time cleaning house (good excuse, eh), playing the guitar (3 plus years and I still can’t get cord changes), baseball, typing (I’m better now, but in the beginning, ugly), you name it. But, I have a little more desire to see the house look nice.

Now Gil promised he’d set the extension cord up today, but he didn’t. So that gave me a little grace to not finish the job. I did get my evergreen garlands up and lights on one side. For some reason, I thought there would be two strands of the ribbon lights in the box – since that’s what the picture showed. So I need one more to go on the other column. I tried to run two strands of lights around my door and also have a connecter for the post on the opposite side. It’s sad. Very sad.

I am highly disappointed that I couldn’t find a lighted star to hang up in the peak of our porch. Lots of snowflakes. No stars. I guess I’ll hit another store tomorrow since I also forgot the wreath lights and a set for Bump’s wagon.

I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do for my door wreath. Right now I have a plain fake evergreen one hanging. I have two grapevines in the back. One had a purple poinsettas on it – which wouldn’t look right with all the red I want to put out there. Bump and I picked up pinecones and I was eyeing up holly and magnolia wreaths for a very Virginia Christmas wreath. I know all the folks at Colonial Williamsburg like to put in pineapples and such, but that’s not real Virginia. And my squirrels would hit on apples if I put them in a wreath. I also have a little box of wreath ornaments that belonged to my late mother in law, a pretty poinsetta garland and some miscellaneous other stuff. I’m going to lay it all out tomorrow and decide.

Rabbit Trail: Bump was such a cutie with his bucket of pinecones. He kept dumping them out so that he could put the bucket on his head. Then he’d put them all back in the bucket and walk around looking for more – until he felt like wearing the bucket again…

I’d really like to get an outdoor Nativity Scene for the yard. Since there are so many public places that can’t are too chicken won’t show them, I’d like to have one in my yard to replace one that’s been removed in this country from a public place. I think other Christians should consider that as well. Let your voice be heard. Christmas is really about Jesus.

Anyway, it’s a work in progress outside. I should get some lights tomorrow night. I really like our tree, too. Except I keep finding small piles of ornaments in various parts of the house. That kid is too cute.

 

I love my iPod again

Okay folks, I love my iPod, finally, again.

We got one back around tax time. We got our return which mostly went to pay of debt. Gil said, “Get something fun.” So I got an iPod. I never really understood completely what they were before I got one. We also got what’s called the iTrip with it. This allows you to bring it in your car and play it over an FM frequency of your choosing. I could also do this around the house.

But then a battle ensued. Gil doesn’t have a CD player in his commuter car. So he always wanted to have the iPod and then also use it at the gym. So I submitted and let him have it. Then when he went to days for training, he gave it back because he could listen to radio during his commute. I had gotten out of the habit of using it, so I’d charge it up and then forget about it. By the time I’d remember to take it, it would be out of batteries again!

We have recently acquired an accessory for it that his put me back in a music mode. We bought an iBoom for Kevin for Christmas. He has an iPod, and we thought it would be great for him to play it around his apartment rather than just wearing it all the time. At Thanksgiving I discovered that he had broken his iPod beyond repair. Without having purchased a warrenty, there was no chance of it coming back to life or being replaced. So we hemmed and hawed about whether we should return the iBoom or keep it.

I got in the mood for Christmas music last weekend and decided to keep it! It’s been a joyous week of much music. For those who don’t have one of these little gems, you can put all your music on it. We have all ours, plus the New Testament and it’s still not even half full. From your collection you can put together play lists. We have ones for me, Gil and Bump. Then you can shuffle the songs and have a bunch of cool mixes. I have the iBoom on all day. One play list can be that long. Most of my big ones are about 5 or 6 hours of straight music. While there are lots of devices that do the same thing as the iBoom with better quality music, the iBoom is very portable and economically priced. I can tote it up or down the stairs, out on the screen porch or even in the garage. It charges the iPod as well, which is a bonus for me, as I still take it in the van with the iTrip.

I haven’t listen to this much music at home in a while. It’s just easy and convenient. We are very blessed to have such a luxery in our house. But for those would be last-minute shoppers, I highly recommend. The iPods available this Christmas are better than the one we have with 30 Mb (vs. 20 mb) and video capacity for roughly the same price. They also sell the iPod mini and nano – which have smaller capacities. I say go for the full iPod all the way. The storage capacity way outweighs the size factor in my book.

Just for anyone who was wondering, we did get something else for Kevin for Christmas!

 

Thanksgiving Ten Years Past

Today I got some time alone. The big kids and Gil were on the links and Bump was sawing logs. I had buttoned up my Thanksgiving dinner to a point. Now it was just wait until the bird comes out and then the mad dash to get all the fixings together. So I sat down here in my chair and reread my post from last night – and the ghosts of Thanksgiving Past visited me in that time.

I realized that it had been 10 years since my last Wisconsin Thanksgiving. And as a testament to that last Thanksgiving there was a written entry in my Little Black Book, still conveniently atop my desk. I pulled it out to review my beer recipe for the day. Then Bam, it hit me across the face – 11:11….

I had written it at the top of the Christmas Brew entry – that time, that phone call, that day – November 23, 1995. While I sat alone in my apartment preparing my brewing ingredients, the phone rang. It was a call from a colleague of mine, someone who I enjoyed working with and someone who knew I’d spend most of the day alone. He was a traveling salesman for the company I worked for, traversing parts in the deep South. I saw his name on the caller ID, and it puzzled me. But I was delighted to receive his call. I loved his southern drawl and his laugh.

That call was the beginning of a short relationship of sorts. I don’t know how you could call it that since RC was so many miles away. We had just gone through a series of sales meetings at corporate and I had seen him a number of times. We spent a lot of time together, but always in group settings. At the time, I never knew that I had just 67 days left in the state and even less at my job.

We spent many hours on the phone over the next few months and saw each other one more time. After I left Wisconsin, RC kept in touch for a while, but he had other things “going” where he was. The chances of things working out for us was slim, and I never wanted to really be with a traveling sales person. It was an emotional heartache to realize the potential for this relationship. I knew it would end, and watched it slip away.

RC kept in touch for about a year, calling every now and then to check in. It seemed odd to me, and I finally told him that considering where we both were, it probably wasn’t a good idea to keep in touch. I say that like I confidently swept him out of my life, but it was a decision I agonized over for months. I even surprised myself when I said, “Please throw my number away.”

Sometimes it seemed like an incredibly romantic relationship, full of lots of potential that was never worked out. But truthfully, I hardly knew the man. He was just another “bar friend” who enjoyed drinking beer with me. It was that first emotional attachment for me after my divorce. Probably better that things worked out the way they did.

I don’t know what ever happened to RC. I heard that he had married. He left the company we worked for shortly before I told him goodbye for the last time.

All that from just those four little ones lined up on the page. I’ve certainly had enough visits to the past this week. I hope that as I move into the rest of the holidays, that no more ghosts come sneaking out of their closets.

 

Thankfulness this Thanksgiving Week

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.
2 Corinthians 1:3 NIV

I first sing my praise to God for his wonderful plan, his love for his children and the remarkable world he has created.

It has indeed been a famine in this desert. This last year has been different and challenging in new ways. I think the battles are not the same now as those days that I was in the working world. I’ve not quite made the adjustment of how to cope. But the Lord, God gets me through.

I am thankful. I think that prayers of thanksgiving fill my head more than any other. Daily I recognize how he has provided for us, even when we have struggle with staying close to him. He has provided so much, and I will count them here.

I am thankful for:

Love – that the Lord has shown me his love in so many new ways this year. It’s a revelation I need.

Family – for each member – Gil, Bump, the other kids, my parents, sister and family, extended family on both sides. God has helped me love them with a new heart and I have learned so much more about Him in the process.

The Church – Even though we are in between churches, we are still member’s of the Body of Christ. There are so many believers that have richly blessed our family in the last year with their prayer, actions, smiles and hearts.

The Word of God – While we struggle through our daily lives with all kinds of messages being thrown in our faces, I can turn to my Bible at night and know that the truths contained within will not only help us through, but never change.

His Provision – We are very near to pulling ourselves out of debt. God is so good.

I am thankful for every breath, every smile, every tear, the sun rising and setting, the cool breezes and the warm ones, the love of a child, the love of a puppy dog, the peace that knowing Jesus brings.

I didn’t plan on writing this post tonight. But I needed to.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

Psalm 139:7-18 NIV ( Emphasis mine)

I am most thankful that God is God.

 

On the Road Again…

Okay, technically on the trail. I ran today, for a full 30 minutes. If I’d run any further, I’d probably come up limping or something. As it is, my thighs are burning. Okay, just one, but it hurts and it’s not even overnight yet. Wait until tomorrow. Bump will be pushing me around in the stroller.

The want to run has never left me. The perfect running situation has. Oh all those years ago up in Richmond where our development had 20 miles of paved running trails and many scenic views. I carved out some three hour training runs for my marathon in those trails. I still remember rolling out of bed and into my running clothes, hardly awake. By the time I’d return to the house an hour later, I’d be completely alive.

Oh how things have changed. Yes, I can run from my house – but it’s not as convenient or scenic as the old place. We do have a little nature trail, but it’s only a 2-3 mile loop. Then there’s this whole waking up in the morning. By the time Bump is doing his morning coos, I’ve already been up twice – once with the stupid dogs who for some reason can’t make it from 10:30 to 6:30 without having to go out. There preferred time is 4:30, so by the time I just get back to sleep, Gil’s alarm goes off at 4:50 and 5:00 and 5:10. Then he finally gets up, stomps around the bedroom, turns on the water full blast for what seems like an eternity, and then makes a graceful exit. So, when I go and get Bumpat 6:30, I’m trying to convince him that we need to lay down on the mattress in his room for just 10 more minutes. I’m lucky if I can stretch it to 15.

So then it’s into the morning routine, breakfast, you know. Now, I want to go running. Not only do I have to get dressed, but I have to get Bump dressed. Today, not much of a problem since it was beautiful, but on a colder day (like say any day after today), it will be some trick just to get the darn hat on him. And then I can finally run with that stupid stroller.

Okay the stroller isn’t really the problem. It’s an okay running stroller. It doesn’t have the pivoting front wheel, but I can live with that. I just don’t like running with a stroller. Bump is good – the best. I give him a little baggie of cereal, a cup of milk and a toy. He’s happy as a clam. I sing. He claps and laughs. (He knows mommy can’t sing.) But I have to push the stroller. It throws off my whole rhythem. (Like I have rhythem.) But it’s a whole different world. And that’s why for the last 20 months, I have struggled with running.

But today, my ambitions are anew. And while tomorrow’s run is a maybe – I’d have to do it in the afternoon because of Bible study – I have hope.

Ooh, and the rain just broke loose. It’s windy and rainy. Leaves are swirling. Chimes are ringing. Rain is pitter-pattering. I’m off to the screen porch to enjoy it in every sense – before these warm temperatures drift away.

I pray to return to the road no later than Friday AM…

 

Got Jesus? – Part 6

Read Part 5.

I must admit that I am having a difficult time with this series because my relationship with God has changed so much in the last year. The place that I came to find Jesus is so far from the place I am now. As the church I went to that bright August day is the church I am now sitting in with one foot out the door, I’m finding it difficult to be as joyous about the experience as I actually was at that time. Writing about it here does help me work through all these things.

The story continues….

Within six weeks of first walking in that door, I found myself enrolled in a 20 plus hour membership class for the church. It was an intensive Bible study taught by the lead pastor and went through the scriptural support for basically all the items in their statement of faith. Our Pastor has quite a testimony and is an excellent teacher. I enjoyed so much learning all these things and examining scriptures for myself as I went through it. (Gil was not in the church scene at this point. God was working on him though….)

I began to get knitted into the church some. I started getting involved where I could and trying to connect. I must admit though that until Gil got saved I still hung back, afraid of being hurt again.

Things began to change in my heart. Jesus didn’t come in with bells and whistles, he slowly gained ground every day in my life because that’s the only way I could handle it. I found peace in many places where I had previously held tension.

Even as I found this peace and began to have a different view of God, I came under some terrible times of conflict. As a Catholic for more than 30 years, I had learned many, many things about God from the Catholic perspective. I began to be a little confused about what I was learning from reading and hearing the Word preached from the Bible and what had been engrained in me from my childhood Catholic education. I also started doing a lot of online research. I read the Catechism again and wanted to take a look at the Code of Canon Law. Why were there all these things that weren’t in the Bible? I went through a period where I was really, really angry with the Church. I won’t get into it here. (Note: I have since come to accept that God is in control of all things and is even bigger than the Catholic Church. So while I know that I can never be a Catholic again, I accept that God uses Catholics to do his work on earth.) It really threw me off though. And Gil had the same problem. God eventually worked us through it.

I think this series ends here. It’s been an amazing four years with God. Everything is different now – the way we raise our family, the way I look at my husband, how we treat our finances, our entertainment choices – everything. While we are in a time of redefining our faith expression in the church community, I still think back fondly to those days when the word of God was so fresh and eye opening. I think of the times when I openly wept because I had never realized the full extent of God’s mercy and grace and love. Although I still have these revelations today reading the Word, there was something about the ignorance of my heart at that time that made the scripture explode in my consciousness.

Thanks be to God and praise His Holy Name.

Amen.

 

Got Jesus? – Part 5

Read Part 4.

I am quite remiss in continuing this series. It’s such a good story, but where I am right now with everything kind of steals the thunder – not God’s thunder, of coarse – no one could steal that.

Where was I…oh, yes it was a charismatic church.

I was not unfamiliar with the charismatics. In fact, when I was 16 I went to a charismatic Catholic youth camp affiliated with a retreat group that yearly visited our school. I didn’t know that was charismatic either or even that something like charismatic existed. I got a very quick education. Back then, I actually really enjoyed the whole charismatic experience, but once back in my small and isolated hometown, you couldn’t find but a few tongue speakers for miles and miles – and some of them wouldn’t even admit to it. So, it was something I chalked up to experience.

But going into this church transported me back to that time. The service I attended featured the testimonies of a half dozen teenagers that had just returned from their own camp experience, a slide show on the camp and a full medley of young folks dancing up front and radically on fire for Jesus. It did bring me back. One testimony grabbed me. A 15-year-old kid stood up to say that he learned to fear God and not men through his whole experience. It touched a cord in my heart on personal struggles I faced.

The congregation seemed friendly and warm. People cheered for the offering. There was a freedom in the room that I had never experienced in any church. This was all so new and different, especially compared to the very litergical and reverent Catholic Mass. Some people stood up during worship and spoke out, in what I later learned was considered prophesy. It almost seemed like a variety show of sorts. The 2 1/2 hours went by very quickly. I was interested.

They had a Wednesday service, too. What was that all about? I slowly began to work my way in to trying to figure this place out. I was met with mixed feelings all along the way. While I jumped in with two feet to most situations, with Church I remained a little guarded. I slowly began to meet a few people. I sat down with one of the staff members to find out more about the church to see if my family would fit in. What were the children’s programs about? What about ministries? I never heard of cell groups either. It all seemed very exciting.

 

Sam

It’s been 20 years, I realized. The summer after I graduated from high school, I met “Sam” and his friends. He had just graduated from the area’s public school, and I from the Catholic school. Although we had been confirmed in the same class three years previous, we never knew one another. It was the beginning of a wonderful friendship.

I hung out with that group until I left for college in the fall and for the next four years I was one of the gang. Sam and I particularly were great friends. Even though we often had other “girlfriends” and “boyfriends”, whenever we’d come home from college, we’d always hang out together. My parents loved him. His parents loved me. Eventually we dated, broke up, but still remained friends. Again, we tried dating as we approached the end of our college careers. As much as I enjoyed being with him, I didn’t see a future for us as husband and wife. I ended the relationship, and eventually had to resort to “meanie” tactics to end the connection all together.

Well, I guess I didn’t have to resort to “meanie” tactics, but at the time I felt that I had to. I was very, very mean. In fact, even behind his back, I was particularly venomous. He probably doesn’t even know how mean I really was. Since some other friends of mine were comrades in meanness, it went too far. Sometimes it just felt like joking around, but deep inside it was just wrong. But my end was achieved. I no longer had to deal with the pressure of him wanting me to be his girlfriend.

The last time I remember talking to him was the summer of 1989. He stopped by my house after I got off my shift at work. In a few months I would be graduating from college, but spent that last summer back in my hometown. I don’t remember the conversation. I was sure it was some last ditch effort to get close to me. Although we may have seen each other and said “hi” a few times in the next couple of years – before I departed Wisconsin for the east coast.

Sam used to stop by and see my folks every now and again. They still loved him and thought him such a nice guy.

I went on to have other “Sams” in my life – but never again would I date one of them. (All of these guys disappeared for various reasons as well…some with more heart ache than others, but I’ll save those stories for another time.)

In the late 90′s I ran into one of the other friends from that group online. He told me Sam was married and his wife expecting their first child. They lived somewhere deep in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and were very happy. I rejoiced.

I haven’t had any contact with anyone from that group since, although the local paper has announced the birth of at least one more child for my friend Sam.

My mother reminded me of him during her visit. His class celebrated a 20 year reunion and the picture was in the paper.

I have had great remorse over the way our relationship ended for many years now. I have no regrets about not wanting to date him, but regrets at not being able to stand firm and be nice about that fact, perhaps eventually preserving a bit of our friendship. We really did get along famously, and more so in our “non-dating” times than our dating times. At least that’s how I remember it. I always have him etched in my mind as more of a “friend” than an old boyfriend. Perhaps that’s not how he remembers me.

I am happy that he has found what I hope is a great marriage and a wonderful family life. My biggest heartache is to apologize for my awful behavior and ask for his forgiveness. I have repented of it many times with the Lord, but have never quite shaken the burden from my heart. While I have found him online and could no doubt write him a note, I feel that it would be inappropriate, considering the circumstances. I don’t think Gil would be all that crazy about it either. I am very tempted to blog his real name into this post in hopes that somehow someone in that group will find it and refer him…the one time being anonymous is a burden.

So Sam, if you’re out there, I hope you have a great time. I hope you have a great life. I am sorry if I put any pain into it. Your friendship always remains dear to me.

And this is just the reason why I no longer have male friends.

 

My Least Favorite Time of the Year

It’s already been going on for about a month now, the one thing that makes my favorite time of the year a little bittersweet. Yes, it’s the incredibly gaudy, tacky and yucko benucko….Halloween.

Now everybody is probably thinking – oh you hard line Christians and Halloween – get over it. Well becoming a Christian was just another reason to bail out on Halloween.

I seriously never like the holiday since I was probably about 10 years old. In my adult life, I have served Halloween candy to costumed children only one time.

It’s just one of those incredibly overdone holidays. While dressing up could be fun for the kids, scouring the neighborhood and begging for candy just isn’t up there in my list of things my kid needs to do. In this day and age, I’m surprised we still have trick or treating. I remember in my day they went through the whole razor blades scare and even banned it for a few years, choosing to have fun frolics instead. Of coarse, there is all the other tricks and pranks that older kids pull, too. Just an excuse to be disrespectful.

Then I became a Christian, and just thought, another way I don’t want to look like the world.

Every year during trick or treating, we huddle in a dark house and wait for the hour to pass. Last year, I tried to put up a sign, but that didn’t work. They’re not supposed to come to your house if the outside lights aren’t on. But, if there is one light on in the house, they feel it’s license to ring the doorbell. We’ll probably do it again.

Yes, it’s already everywhere – in every store, the reminder that we need to be ghouls and goblins for one night. I’ll take the cheap candy, but that’s about it. (I have been known to hoard a peanut butter kiss or two…)

Although, I do have my one Halloween concession – The Peanut’s Halloween Special. I think it’s truly classic and points out the general silliness of the Halloween ritual (and Santa, too.)

Note to the Halloween Crew – I know you’re out there. Those who love to wear orange and black and decorate your yards with vestigages of the holidays. All the power to you guys and gals. As for me and my house, we will serve no candy…