For Women Only Summary – Part 4

27 07 2005

Previous Post on This Book

This is the last summary post of Shaunti Feldhahn’s For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Click the title to purchase a copy.

Feldhahn also has a website with further information and the study used to write this book. (Note: To view the survey information, you must become a “member” – but, membership is free. It just requires registration with the website.) Check the sidebar under “Next to My Bed” for a link to my listing of all reviews on this title.

Chapter 7 Chocolate, Flowers and Bait Fishing – Why the Reluctant Clod You Know Really Does Want Romance

Another misperception about the men that we love is that they don’t want or appreciate romance. But Feldhahn’s survey found that 84 percent of men said that they wanted romance. So what’s the problem?

There are two areas where Feldhahn identifies the problem. The first is confidence – one I can relate to. How many times my husband has told me what he had planned to do for my birthday or our anniversary. Instead he does nothing. The fear of rejection and failure is greater than the need to please us. Secondly, his definition of “romance” and mine might vary greatly. There are things that don’t seem romantic to me – a bike ride on a semi aggressive trail for one – but for my husband, fits the bill exactly.

So what can we do? We can be sensitive to what he’s doing. Whatever he does, be appreciative and supportive. Shortly after the baby was born, my husband would stop and get me flowers on the way home from work. However, I felt that keeping the flowers trimmed and watered was a big chore at that time, not to mention that they often got in the way of trying to do my day to days. I asked him to stop…he was mad. I made a mistake and now he’s told me “no more flowers.” I needed to be sensitive and realize that it was more his thing and not mine.

We need to say “yes” to the things he wants to do and the way he wants to do some things. If we need to communicate with him on this topic, care should be taken on how we address his past efforts so not to hurt his feelings.

Chapter 8 – The Truth About the Way You Look – Why What’s on the Outside Matters to Him on the Inside

This chapter comes with a warning from Feldhahn – “Pray First.” Since appearance is such a big issue for some women resulting in eating disorders or other destructive behavior, we should ask the Lord to show us through this material what we need to hear on our husband’s perceptions of our appearance, not our own fears.

Our husbands don’t need us to be super models. We do need to care about how we present ourselves to the world – both in outward appearance and personality wise. A husband’s worth, in his mind, is measured by this part of his wife. When others see her especially, if she comes across well, it is a success for him among his peers.

But again, it doesn’t mean being pencil thin. It means making the most of what we have – trying to take care of ourselves. Also, showing our happiness, having confidence and carrying ourselves well makes our men feel loved.

Women hold the key to their men’s self worth, as we have seen in so many chapters in this book. We have the ability to make or break our men.

Chapter 9 – Words for Your Heart – What Your Man Most Wishes You Knew About Him.

(Note: I wrote this section a few nights ago by long hand after reading the final chapter and emotional ending to this book.)

In Chapter 1, as Feldhahn presents her list of revelations, there are only seven to be found there. I thought that this chapter would be a review of all we had learned through her study. Instead, she had one more big one – the thing that surprised her the most…the number one survey response.

While reading this chapter and writing this summary I am far away from my dear husband. As I write these words, pen on paper later to be transferred to my blog, my Gil is working, playing with his tools and fixing machines. He will later come home to two depressed dogs, laundry, dishes and flowers to be watered, as I sleep in peace an arms length from the Bump’s crib. I cannot help but think of him, and his cry to me to read this book, to know him more. I realize that I possibly know something about him that I didn’t know before, something that brings my tear ducts alive and melts my heart.

Somehow I feel as if I would be doing a great disservice to Ms. Feldhahn’s work by sharing this last great revelation in the context of this post – like giving away the last page of a great novel or movie, and discouraging others from taking the work in hand themselves and finding the specific things that convict and touch their own hearts. That is not my intention.

These pages for me have been a reminder of all the times I have heard my husband cry out to me, and I lacked the understanding of what he was truly saying, sometimes even when he spoke it strait to my face. This one last thing he has said, and I have not so heard it. Only tonight I heard it in so many conversations of the past, but my heart has heard it tonight.

I have finished reviewing the material here, but will put up one final post with impressions after I have returned to Virginia.

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One response

30 07 2005

Sal, I am single for over 20 years after a divorce. Some of these things came to me while I was still married but I rubbed them in or I didn’t care. I have enjoyed your take on this book. Thanks for sharing so far and I look forward to your last post. I am a book addict and don’t have a lot of money, but just may have to invest in this book — single though I am.

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